A Moment of Peace In Purgatory

While I'm certain none of you are hanging by the edges of your seats going "Did they get paid?" "Did they go belly up?" "Did another Dear Sweet Landlord die?", I figured it was time for an update.

It's a gorgeous day here on the eastern seaboard. The temperature is just perfect, the golfers are out en masse, and there's no shortage of birds, squirrels and flying stinging creatures to observe and enjoy. Perfect afternoon for working and blogging on the back balcony, listening to Jazz. It's days like today when I really enjoy having moved here, especially when it's still 106 back home. Perhaps I'll change my tune when Winter arrives, and it's still 70-something back home.

Yes, we did finally get paid, and are waiting for the current paycheck to arrive today.
Not sure how to answer if we've gone belly up ... we're "restructuring", which is normally a very positive thing in most organizations. It demonstrates that the business leadership recognizes there are issues, and addresses them accordingly in order to get to a more positive place as a company, whether that means reducing cost, or getting to a more cash-positive place. In our case, it was a rather reactionary move that should have been done weeks ago, and as a result, we lost more morale than headcount.

The previously mentioned UCM is seriously in charge now. Funny how instead of completely freaking out about something (ok, I still have moments here and there), and instead relax, relying on faith and confidence in yourself (that's all you really can rely on, isn't it?), as a result you manage to see things so clearly that you struggled so hard to see before. When the signs started showing themselves, this is exactly how I predicted things would go. I won't make a call on whether or not I see a positive outcome ... that definition is different for everyone, and all I know is, for ME, there will be a positive outcome. As a dear sweet friend reminded me not too long ago: land on your feet, swish your tail, and find yourself better off.

Every situation and opportunity is what you make of it, no?

In the meantime, thanks to the guidance and advice of some very dear friends and colleagues, I'm being courted by a couple of organizations that I'm very excited about.

Interviewing is a lot like dating, minus the sex. You dress up, put on your best face, try to say and do all the right things that edge you in front of the other candidates, while somehow managing to be true to yourself.

It was refreshing to speak to a corporate recruiter yesterday who didn't appear to be phased when I stopped in the middle of providing an example of how my time-management skills benefitted me in a major project and said, "You know, I just don't feel like I'm addressing this quite right." By the end of our call, he was enthusiastically recommending me for the position, following up in email afterward with an application to complete and return, and an offer to buy me a coffee when I [hopefully] come in to interview soon.

Today, I spoke with the hiring manager for a position that looked great on paper, but when it came down to the nitty gritty, it wasn't that great of a fit for me. Add on top of that, there wasn't much "chemistry" between me and the hiring manager. Fortunately, unlike the majority of the few dates I've been on in 2006, I wasn't left wondering if I could get that last 90 minutes of my life back.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying a rather peaceful period during the overall chaos, avoiding cleaning the house, fighting off a moment of irascible restlessness, while pondering what to do for dinner.

Overall status: A-OK

A Little Ray O'Dark In the Dark Wood

Well, dear readers ...

... the waiting continues, however, it appears the dam is breaking.

Big Boss - GONE

My Boss - GONE

Aforementioned UCM - Runnin Tha Show

Scary.

Apparently the name of the game isn't "Are you competent?", it's "Are you sided with me and flexible?"

What happened to looking out for the best interest of the business, long and short-term?

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

It's funny how your professional relationships occassionally mirror your personal relationships.

Admittedly, I have a long history of not ending relationships very well. They drag on in limbo, neither person willing to step up and say goodbye, either because you're too lame to do so or you're still clinging to some thread of hope that it'll work out.

To my own credit, I think I'm getting [marginally] better at it.

The last 60 days, especially the last 6, at work have left me with this all too familiar sensation.

Funny how quickly things change ... about a week ago, I was seeing the hopeful ray of light that things just might be ok following a rather positive review from my manager, and subsequent assignment to a new position.

Apparently that ray of light is a slow train coming to a halt, but not before it smushes you to little bits on the track.

It's taken me 4 days to draft this post. Every time I get into it, someone walks by, or I just get frustrated and leave it as a draft.

We're officially a week unpaid now. Layoffs are imminent, the finalization of which will determine our investors releasing the last bit of funding necessary to complete the overdue payroll cycle. No word on the status of the next pay cycle (that will cover the current period), or the thousands of dollars outstanding in expenses, etc owed to the employees.

In the meantime, our "leader" has virtually dropped off the face of the earth, for various reasons (some of which are understandable, really), leaving us rudderless than ever as an organization, and literally inciting the most interesting version of Corporate Survivor that I've ever experienced.

Ever the Ultimate Con Man (known here as UCM), our Sales VP, with whom I have a long and checkered history, is finally seeing the fruition of his patience and efforts over the last year or so, and is seemingly successfully making his play to take over the company. While it may not immediately be the financial payout he was expecting, but it's certainly the power play he's been hoping and dreaming of.

Nausea, futher disappointment, and a surprising dose of amusement ensues.

In the meantime, the remainder of the management team is working out the headcount restructuring plan for their teams, though UCM seems to have it all worked out in a tidy little 9 slide PowerPoint presentation he's already been shopping to the board and various investors.

Well played!

As for me, my VP, whom I was not too kind to in earlier posts, and with whom I kinda side, was kind enough to encourage me to stay home and "work" from here today, in lieu of another day of Purgatory torture in the HQ office. The cat has certainly enjoyed my presence at the house, again obvlivious to the fact that all those long hours and even weeks I spend at work, are all so that her human can continue to mortgage her soul to the corporate machine in order to ensure a roof over the cat's head, food in her bowl, scratchy boxes and catnip toys at her disposal, et al. Truly, it's all about the cat. Though at this point, I'm near the point of strapping a little hobo pack and a sign saying "will purr for food" to her, and stationing her down at the local train station with the droves of day laborers.

So kids, no news is ... well, just that, no f-ing news.

Attack of the Too-Mature 8 Year Old Girls

This morning, after a routine visit to the Honda dealer for Aisha Suki's checkup, I decided to stop at the local diner for a little bacon and eggs over coffee and this month's GQ.

Having traveled back and forth to this neck of the woods for several months prior to actually relocating here nearly 7 months ago, I no longer notice or bristle, at least too much, at the typically shitty service offered in most New Jersey eateries.

What I have noticed more and more lately, is a trend of young girls, very young girls, too young to even call pre-teen, really, who dress, talk, and carry themselves as if they are nearly 30.

Today's trip to the diner landed me at the usual table for 1 at the back of the restaurant, and one table away from the 8 year old, Morris County rendition of Sex And The City.

Picture this:
Three young girls making up a stereotypical group of co-hort: the really pretty one, the tomboyishly pretty one who will be gorgeous someday, and the cute but pudgy one.

Upon being seated, they immediately whip out their Razr phones (two silver, one pink), and proceed to take pictures, text message, surf for new ringtones, and utilize each and every one of the games loaded on the phone.

The conversation was fairly innocuous at first: what to order (Pancakes, French Toast?), what are you doing later, wanna go to a movie, or maybe let's just hang downtown. Apparently "John Tucker Must Die" is a must-see.

Unintentionally, I got their attention when my BFF, T, returned a text message, announced by "Genie In A Bottle." All 3 heads snapped my direction, with a cursory once over, leaving me feeling like I was about 13 again, under the assessment of the snotty bitches I grew up with, followed by "OHMYGAWD, I LOVE that song! Don't you LOVE the Razr? Mine's PINK!"

Immediately, I regretted the purchase of my black Razr a year ago, when it was still a $250 phone. Admittedly, I purchased it only because it was a hot looking phone. Sue me.

Then the conversation quickly slanted toward boys.
For example:
- The differences between "dating" a boy rather than "going with" a boy
- When you're a couple, you don't want to go on double dates because it's less fun, and it significantly reduces your opportunities for making out
- You want to make sure that the boy you like is really worth it, because it's so not worth it to waste all your cell minutes on a boy that turns out to be stupid
- When asked "Would you go out with _____?", the answer was, "I don't know if I would go with him, but I might go down on him if he asked."

WHATWHATWHAAAATTTTT????

First of all, apparently today's 8 year olds are far more savvy than I (a 29 year old) at the dating scene. (For those of you who know me, my dating and sexual history is pretty damn full)
Secondly, what the hell are these girls doing contemplating oral sex with a boy?

God forbid should I actually breed children of my own someday, not just as a surrogate for a friend, I hope and pray I have a boy because:

Girls ... scare ... me.

Let me interject a couple of caveats here:
- I grew up in Texas, a buckle in the bible belt, where there are more Baptist and Non-Denominationally Evangelical Ask Me About Jesus Bible Churches on every street corner than there are Starbucks.
- As a result, I am Pro-Choice and Pro-Sex.
- My teenage years, marked by the literal and figurative absence of my parents, were spent essentially being raised by my friends parents, and in the Non-Demoninational Evangelical Ask Me About Jesus Bible Churches my friends attended. It was here that any questions or desires around sex and sexuality were quickly smashed thanks to the endless brainwashing and videos telling us that if we lost our virginity, everyone would know, and you would be shunned. So don't do it till you're married.
- The above scenario lasted until I was about 18, when after much teeth gnashing and wailing over the "wait / don't wait" debate, my boyfriend of a year and a half (a 26 year old virgin) and I decided to move ahead with "don't wait." I've never looked back or regretted it since.
- I thank my parents for having raised my sister and I in an environment where sex was somewhat talked about openly, and honesty rather than mythology was the rule of thumb. They explained the birds and the bees without drilling the "wait / don't wait" awfulness in my head from my early childhood on.
- I believe that parents should be open and honest with children about sex and sexuality, rather than leaving it to church, friends, and the media to misinform.

So, having said that, why do I sound like a conservative Republinazi at overhearing 8 year old girls openly contemplate oral sex?

Because, while it's debatable regarding at what point in a person's development they're physically and emotionally ready to engage in sexual activity with another person, isn't 8 a little young?

I'm all for being secure in your own sexuality, and being free and open with it, so long as it doesn't involve hurting someone else (i.e. rape, molestation, et al). And yes, all people develop their sexuality at different rates. Honestly, I remember being very curious about sex from early on, however, I never acted on it until around Jr High / High School, playing kissyface with a boy here or there. However, what I don't remember from those years are any incidents, like we hear about today, of anyone going down on each other DURING CLASS in the back of a science lab. Seriously, I think my graduating class was more interested in black tar heroin and ecstasy.

Are the girls of the new millennium legitimately evolving in their sexuality faster than previous generations?

Possibly.

More likely, in this blogger's humble opinion, is that the constant bombardment of sex in media, advertising, television and movies is pushing the process along further. Even more likely, is a serious lack of parental involvement to sort through and help their children make sense of the barrage of ideas, themes and images.

Major kudos to enlightened and honest parents like my friends out West, who recently blogged about their desire to continue to be their children's guideposts along life's journey. They're not out to fill their heads with the mythological, scare tactic bullshit they themselves were raised with ... they're only out to be honest with their children, and guide them down a path in life where they'll be happy. And so far, in my opinion, they're three of the most interesting, brilliant, and fairly well-adjusted children who are CHILDREN. The same goes for my nieces, and my friends C&D, who's girls are absolutely fabulous, thanks to absolutely fabulous and honest parents.

Even at 29, being fairly secure in myself and my sexuality, I find it hard not to get sucked into the ever-present ideas we're fed, especially as women, about what's sexy, attractive, how you should look, talk, dress, act ... all in the name of landing, and keeping, a suitable man.

The sexual and feminist revolution has certainly elevated us to new heights, but now that we're more equal than we were previously, it feels like we're still in the 50's with some of our notions around womanhood. We're not often presented with images of normal women as ideal and attractive, which is sad, because we're not all 5'10", 100 lbs, with perfect tits and ass. Me, I'm ok with 5'8" and a little meat on my formerly waifish bones.

Admittedly, I complain, offering no resolution.

My only hope is that at some point, the trio of girls from the diner this morning, and all little girls everywhere, manage to find some time in between sexing and texting to actually BE CHILDREN, and do the things that children do enjoying the uncomplicated time of their lives.
As my parents used to remind me, and people still remind me today at 29: you're still young, you've got plenty of time ahead of you to be a grown-up.

A Little Ray O'Light In the Dark Wood

Well, dear readers ... I have interesting (at least to me, it's interesting) news to report:
A little ray of sunshine has made it's way into the land of my purgatory.

While things continue to be extremely uncertain around the corporate scene, it appears that I have managed to quickly work my way (one more month till the 90 day period ends ...) through the recently worst part of my professional purgatory, and into a little better scene. This week I was offered the opportunity to move into another position within the organization, now supporting our fledgling resellers. For the time being, it's a new challenge to pull me out of the daily doldrums of finding something to fill 8 hours (all but one of my current projects are on hold), and a nice vote of confidence from management.

Additionally, I learned a good deal of the background of the events surrounding the threat to my career the last 60 days, and I mostly trust the source of said information that it is true. Basically boils down to a lot of political BS.

So, while it's been agonizing and torturous from time to time along this part of the journey, I must say, in the end, it's been worthwhile. Further evidence that there is no substitute for experience, and good / bad / horrible / indifferent, it always ends in a worthwhile lesson learned.

Spoken like a true Project Manager ... and a damn good one too ;-)

Progress!

Everyone Should Be So Lucky To Have A Great Landlord Like Mine

I am a horrible human being ...

... for many reasons, but today mostly for complaining about the lack of response from my landlord on the A/C situation.

Sad to report, my dear sweet landlord died this morning after an extended hospitalization due to an infection contracted post-operation in June. Somehow, his wife managed to pull together the presence of mind under such awful circumstances to retrieve the messages from his cell phone, and call to make sure I got the air conditioner taken care of. (which it is, to the tune of $120 for the service call and subsequent replacement of one big, blown fuse)

To provide a little history on F, the dear sweet landlord, he was a scientist by trade for his entire life, and worked on the ARPANET project in the 60's, which ultimately ended up as the Internet.

Al Gore didn't invent the Internet, MY LANDLORD DID! (how's that for an Inconvenient Truth, Al?)

Not to mention, he let me keep the cat ... he liked cats, liked my cat, and was willing to pretend he never saw her, considering that animals are not kosher with the owner of the house.

Anyone that likes cats is a good person, in my book.

He was a nice nice nice nice dear sweet man. And his wife is a nice nice nice dear sweet lady too. Good thoughts and prayers for them both.

So, dear sweet landlord F, lifelong scientist, cat lover, and overall nice person, I toast you and cheer you into a happy afterlife with an ice cold Corona in the cool(er) house you managed so well.

As for you, dear sweet readers of this blog, when you pay the rent today (it IS August 1st, after all) hug your landlord!

It's Getting Hot In Here

It's 12:45PM Eastern.

It's 97 Degrees outside with a Heat Index of 113.

Expected to reach 100 today with a Heat Index of 116.

The air conditioner died last night.

It's 85 Degrees in the house.

The landlord is unreachable.

The AC repair guy is on his way soon, I hope.

I'm paying for this service visit out of my own pocket .
(read: my landlord is unreachable, hence I had to find a repair person on my own, pay out of my own pocket, and hope that my landlord reimburses me)

Blogger is taking forever to upload pictures.

The cat hates me.

My Life Needs TiVo ...

Do you ever have those moments, or extended periods of time in your life where you wish you could just fast-forward to the next part? The really good part?

As my mind's Hidden Observer watched my mood rapidly decline on the way into work this morning, the Ego battles the Id and Superego in search of middle ground, it occurred to me that perhaps from time to time, we need a Life TiVo.

Part of the beauty of life's journey is learning to appreciate the bitter, so the sweet is much sweeter, and as a result, we find ourselves enjoying life's journey rather than dreading it, right?

Could it be I'm starting to enjoy the journey?

I think I'm getting there ... the more s@#t that piles on (self-induced or not), I manage to remain calmer than I can ever remember. (ok, for the most part ...) Progress!

If Life TiVo existed, today I'd TiVo through this extended set of life's commercials, perhaps through this entire episode.
Skip to the next episode where our protagonist can finally reach her landlord and get the home air conditioner fixed in the middle of a record heat wave.
Or the episode after that where she finally musters up the courage and the right words to call a couple of potential job contacts, and perhaps land in a happier career place.
Perhaps the one where our heroine successfully fights the Word Vomit Nausea, and manages through the 60 Day Review in 90 Day Probation Purgatory with Boss Nazi.
Maybe the episode where she finally gets her financial s#%t together.
Really looking forward to the season finale where she finally lets go of her history, heartstrings and all, and moves on with her life.

After further review, it appears this season actually looks fairly promising ... perhaps even worth of a Season Pass?